My name doesn't matter as I am just one of a billion. My story isn't at all important but one I wish to share. I will give an age, which I feel like an old man. I am 23 years old, how sad that I have lived this long. I was once told I would die at the age of 21, what a false and possible cause. Let me start with this, All my life I thought of one thing and one thing only. Death, Why you may ask? well, you see It was because of me that my mother and father split. If I wasn't born they would still be together, I hated myself for that reason alone. I looked at myself as a curse as my father was barely there, Ha a nigger without a father how original but who would think death would bring them together. I doubt anyone would read this and yet I place this here.
This would make me somewhat a heartless careless person, someone who enjoyed almost dying. I would embrace death but was too weak to actually go through with it. When I was young my mother gave me a knife, told me to stab myself if I wanted to die. I saw a flash of people before my eyes, the ones I had some reasonable emotion to care about. They were the reason to stay alive, friends. friendship kept me here but I would lose those friends as I was forced to go to another school. I was alone again barely with any friends. Video games replaced everything, I didn't go outside. I didn't socialize with people, I knew that I was an outcast. So for years I never had any friends and anyone I did have my father refused for me to hang out with them. For my safety I guess but I completely then stopped making new friends. I went to school and home to play video games. closed off to the world, I would be placed into an afternoon study group. my mother's way of hoping I would gain friends. What I gained was a problem, while the people there helped me with my work and all, I would gain my first crush there.
It was with a guy who is not a girl, don't think about it too much. But at the time he was a guy and god I liked him so much. Yes, call me a faggot, a nigger. doesn't hurt my feeling at all. I would be crazy for this guy Like I really loved him. This would last me all throughout high school and this started in 8th grade. by the time I got over him, I had dated a shit ton of people. a few hundred. the dating site said I had over 800 friends which I am sure I tried to get with all of them. it's crazy but on with the story. I loved this guy so much but I didn't the guts to tell him in person. Soi asked him online and he wanted to meet but I was so scared so filled with fear. It would be an entire year or two before I could talk to him by that time I was already in love with him. How could a person be so in love and yet scared to say it?
Fear is at the heart of love, love is the fear of being alone for the rest of our lives. That could make some people take their own lives in hopes of a better one, I thought of dying more than once. I could have been dead and no one in the world would care. would it affect anything, I would say no for one life is just one as they say one is nothing compared to the millions. one is nothing compared to all the lives taken by those filled with hate and rage. one can't break the mold but sometimes all it takes is one person. I planned my death but that one person made not want to die. Wanting to lives just because they made me feel like I was worth it.
I would go on dates left and right, ignoring my feelings for this guy. I would avoid him but he would be the one to try to tempt me. it was hell, I would sit somewhere else at lunch and he would move right into my view. It drove me insane, crushed my mind. why would he do such a thing if I was unlikeable? I started to just lose my mind, It would be a while before we actually would talk and talk we did. but not about me and his other things. In the morning we would hang out for breakfast. it was nice, I liked it.
Within these years I had dated a ton of people. My first ex-being this guy named Gregg. he was one year younger than me and we were in love. we planned to get married and have a home together. that was our goal because we loved one another. my dating page even still says I love Gregg. sad how plans and things never happen as we want them to. Here I stand alone and lost in the wild of things. I loved him but I wasn't ready for something real. As I would cheat on him and steal his heart. Shattering him, I don't know what happened to him or if he is still alive. But I want to say that I am sorry for the pain I caused you.
This will be the end of my first chapter, chapter one. Until next time when life has given me more reason to fight than to lay and die.
This would make me somewhat a heartless careless person, someone who enjoyed almost dying. I would embrace death but was too weak to actually go through with it. When I was young my mother gave me a knife, told me to stab myself if I wanted to die. I saw a flash of people before my eyes, the ones I had some reasonable emotion to care about. They were the reason to stay alive, friends. friendship kept me here but I would lose those friends as I was forced to go to another school. I was alone again barely with any friends. Video games replaced everything, I didn't go outside. I didn't socialize with people, I knew that I was an outcast. So for years I never had any friends and anyone I did have my father refused for me to hang out with them. For my safety I guess but I completely then stopped making new friends. I went to school and home to play video games. closed off to the world, I would be placed into an afternoon study group. my mother's way of hoping I would gain friends. What I gained was a problem, while the people there helped me with my work and all, I would gain my first crush there.
It was with a guy who is not a girl, don't think about it too much. But at the time he was a guy and god I liked him so much. Yes, call me a faggot, a nigger. doesn't hurt my feeling at all. I would be crazy for this guy Like I really loved him. This would last me all throughout high school and this started in 8th grade. by the time I got over him, I had dated a shit ton of people. a few hundred. the dating site said I had over 800 friends which I am sure I tried to get with all of them. it's crazy but on with the story. I loved this guy so much but I didn't the guts to tell him in person. Soi asked him online and he wanted to meet but I was so scared so filled with fear. It would be an entire year or two before I could talk to him by that time I was already in love with him. How could a person be so in love and yet scared to say it?
Fear is at the heart of love, love is the fear of being alone for the rest of our lives. That could make some people take their own lives in hopes of a better one, I thought of dying more than once. I could have been dead and no one in the world would care. would it affect anything, I would say no for one life is just one as they say one is nothing compared to the millions. one is nothing compared to all the lives taken by those filled with hate and rage. one can't break the mold but sometimes all it takes is one person. I planned my death but that one person made not want to die. Wanting to lives just because they made me feel like I was worth it.
I would go on dates left and right, ignoring my feelings for this guy. I would avoid him but he would be the one to try to tempt me. it was hell, I would sit somewhere else at lunch and he would move right into my view. It drove me insane, crushed my mind. why would he do such a thing if I was unlikeable? I started to just lose my mind, It would be a while before we actually would talk and talk we did. but not about me and his other things. In the morning we would hang out for breakfast. it was nice, I liked it.
Within these years I had dated a ton of people. My first ex-being this guy named Gregg. he was one year younger than me and we were in love. we planned to get married and have a home together. that was our goal because we loved one another. my dating page even still says I love Gregg. sad how plans and things never happen as we want them to. Here I stand alone and lost in the wild of things. I loved him but I wasn't ready for something real. As I would cheat on him and steal his heart. Shattering him, I don't know what happened to him or if he is still alive. But I want to say that I am sorry for the pain I caused you.
This will be the end of my first chapter, chapter one. Until next time when life has given me more reason to fight than to lay and die.
